So much for sanity...

02:07 am - swimming in the Chip River and community shower

so, minus the being lied to part again tonight...it was a good night! got mcdonalds, t bell, bk, and doozies! played hangman, drew pics, and played hopscotch with my chalk on our dorm's tile floor! went swimmin in the Chippewa River! hopped in the hot shower after! yeah...bitches, you can fit at least four people in these tiny showers! yeah!

Current Mood: amused

11:07 pm

blah is me, basically, i have people

Current Mood: sad

03:39 pm

just think of it as a gift, keep your money and don't worry about it

Current Mood: whatever

04:32 pm - If I could, I would marry my beloved music and forget anything and everything with male genetalia...

I don't really know what is going on in my life right now...it's like there is never a day with just flat land to cross, it's always mountains or valleys...ups or downs...and just when you think you see the horizon over flat land, bam, there you are once more, deceived...it's like one big mirage...one that never ends, so you can never tell reality from non...basically, i'm just confused and questioning...and indecisive...basically...so yeah...idk...ill just turn on another song and float away into music...the love of my life

Current Mood: confused

08:10 pm

Current Mood: amused

10:47 pm

break's so boring...i don't know what to do with myself...i've already watched season one of grey's anatomy...and three other movies, not to mention that i was gone all weekend so that took place in the past two days, went to several sports events...which leaves me here tonight still being bored...i'm ready to be back at school...it's wierd, i want to get away from the place so bad, yet i desperately need to be there because that's what i know now and i love it there regardless of everything...well, anywho, i think i'm getting into the doctor tomorrow about the sleep problem...shouldn't be from the meds because i've been on them over a year...so, we'll call and see what she says...my luck i'll end up spending my break in a sleep lab or something...but i'm utterly exhausted from not being able to sleep...so, we're gonna give it a shot...i know, right, me actually be willing to go to the doctor? who woulda guessed...ugh, i'm dreading it anyways, i'm just tired of being this exhausted...i almost fell asleep every time i drove today..."almost" meaning that i like woke myself up...so yeah, uh, that's not good...so yeah...i'm gonna quit being bored and playing on the computer and go lay down for a while, maybe the exhaustion will catch up with me so i can catch up with the serta mattress sheep...yeah...sounds perfect...i sure do hope

bedtime prayers and all...see ya later

Current Mood: exhausted

09:27 pm

well, now that i've cooled down a bit, had a decent weekend in lapeer at the family's...played some pool alone, sipped on some drinks, pet the cats and went to see the neighbor's horses, sleded/snowboarded on the sleds, since we forgot the snowboards, skated, and attempted to build a snowman...until uncle steve grabbed the bottom ball and rolled with it down the hill...seriously, it was like you see on cartoons...i didn't know it was possible
:)

Current Mood: amused

11:57 pm

i'm so tired of everything, i'm done being open with feelings, starting now, the mask goes back on, because people don't know how to handle the truth...this is the way i am, i wish i could be otherwise, but wishing doesn't change disorders, wishing doesn't balance my brain chemicals, hell, medication doesn't even balance the brain chemicals...do you really think i want to have depression? no! yeah, so one day i was sittin here and decided "hey! maybe i'll be depressed now!" yeah, i bet that was it...yeah, yeah, so you say, "you're making it an excuse, you can still be happy, blah blah fucking blah" yeah, i can, and i am happy a lot of the time, but there are times when i try to be and can't, there are situations that make it hard to, it is way a lot harder for me to deal with some shit than it is for some others, but i do it, yeah, and sometimes i cry, sometimes i walk around like a zombie, but i deal, and this is how i deal, if you would prefer, i could go back to the way i used to deal in high school...but wait, if i did that then i would end up on more medication...why the hell am i on medication? because i have a problem that i can't change, so deal with it...i do
i'm sorry, i'm just stressed to hell and i dont want to be like this any more than you dont want me to be like this...but it's not easy...it's really not, believe me, i wake up with it every day and wish that one day i could go without it, but even if i seem to you like i'm all happy and laughing like crazy to the point of hyperventilation and snorting, i can guarantee there's still a part of me that hurts
i'm done with this, because this isn't gonna be seen as an explanation, apology, anything...it'll just be seen as another depressed rambling of mine...hell, ya probably won't even get this far, for after starting and after a roll of the eyes you'll say to yourself, "God, here we go again" and assume away at what is to come...that's all people do, though, assume they know everything about everyone...i'm sorry, you dont...i know i don't know everything about anyone...nobody does...so please...
i give up
i can't fight anymore
i can't fight against you
and i sure as hell can't fight against me
...i've seen the results of that...
not pretty
so i'm done
fuck it
mask on

Current Mood: crying

02:34 pm

definitely not doin all that hot...last night=major breakdown...kinda saw it comin when i saw jackie come in the door, cuz i knew what was ahead, so i'm tired and very emotional...and i cried the whole three hours we were talking and then cried for several hours trying to fall asleep, then i cried when i woke up, then i cried in the bathroom between classes before honors, and now i'm trying really hard not to again...so yeah, major meltdown...didn't think that could happen beyond how i already felt, but apparantly, it can

Current Mood: numb

01:17 pm

so i dont even care if we still have physiology on friday, i'm not going...we dont have honors, so screw phys...i have a midterm due thursday for philosophy, which i hate, have a physiology test on wednesday, its ash wednesday so i want to go to church at some point that day, i still have several chapters, which each chapter is like 30 pages or so long, to read for honors, and it is kirsch and his stupid ass queer theory book that i'm just not into, why can't it be like frankl's book which i could read no problem? why? because that would make life too easy...urgh
and it is so hard to hate someone that you are in love with and who happens to be a best friend of yours...so yeah, i was really really upset last night because stuff started getting back to me about people who i should be able to trust betraying me...but what's new, right? yeah...so i just got fed up with it because i'm tired of nothing being okay anymore, things just are building up and up and up and i want them to go down down down! so, go figure, one person calls to see if i was okay, and go figure it was nate...so it is so hard to be mad at him because he does things like calls me when he knows im upset...and when he is the only one that seems to care it means a lot...and i have tried so hard to be mad at him, thinking maybe i will fall out of it, but i can't be mad at him, its impossible, it is...and it doesn't help that my "friends" think that i shouldn't even be talking to him and that i should totally end my friendship with him, so basically, if i do talk to him, if i do hang out with him, anything, none of them know because it just makes things worse here...for the love of God, people are bitching about my sleep habits lately, that's how much they hate me or something, so much that they have to stoop to little things like how much i sleep...?! i'm sorry, but i have a medical condition that interferes with having normal patterns of sleep, and with that medical condition, i have medication which interferes even more...so don't fucking rag on me because sometimes i fall asleep and actually SLEEP, because i normally dont, everything is bipolar with me, its either i'm up and wide awake or i am passed out to the point of almost unconsciousness...and normally it happens that i am awake, trying to fall asleep till around, oh, probably 6 in the morning is a good estimate, so by the time i DO fall asleep, i am out, and i can't wake up, so then i have to in order to go to class...so then im tired, and then, if i'm lucky, once in a while i will fall asleep and be able to take a nap, and then people bitch because i take naps, and because blah blah blah, oh, and apparantly i'm lazy and fat too! because i take naps! because i have major depressive disorder i am also insane and crazy! i seriously was on the verge of leaving last night and just going home...and i wouldn't have come back...honest to God, i wasn't going to come back...and then Nate, good 'ol love of mine, who i need to hate but can't because it isn't possible, finds out i'm upset because of my away message...so he doesn't even IM me, he calls me and is worried as hell and tells me i will not leave and i will come back because he cares about me and blah blah blah and it was so great that he called and he was seriously freaking out, he was like "you aren't NOT coming back, you will come back" and im like "why does it matter to you" and hes like "because i worry about you so much...blah blah blah...and if you didn't come back i don't know what i would do...and blah blah blah" so yeah...i was glad he called, but i know people are also pissed that he did call and that i answered and talked to him...but, did you see any of them trying to make me feel better or convince me to stay???
well, i have class, then who knows where from there...home? could be possible...

Current Mood: angry